My daughter the bully tamer: How our family dealt with bullying

SALT LAKE CITY — Annie doesn’t appear to be all that tough. Put her in a line-up with a wrestler, a politician and a tenor and she looks downright wussy. I would ask you to please treat her right, nevertheless. She is tired of being bullied. Actually she was tired of it the day it started when she was in sixth grade.

She doesn’t bring it up much. When I question her, she evades a little, changes the subject a bit, and then comes right out and says that she isn’t going to talk to me about it. I have to catch her when she is in the mood, and I don’t really know when the mood will hit.

She will, however, retell the story of the twins from down the street who liked to play bad cop/bad cop. She tells it well and adds a bit of humor and it appears to have a happy ending. But my blood still boils to think that my daughter had to deal with that kind of abuse from the cute little girls down the street.

Part of my boiling blood is because several years ago, when I first found out about what was going on, I didn’t feel that there was anything that I could do — with the exception of yelling at the twins' dad, who immediately flashed the “my-kids-would-never-do-that-and-tell-your-kid-to-grow-up” defense.

My years of experience with Annie has taught me that neither the bullied nor the parent of the same is helpless.

My years of experience with Annie has taught me that neither the bullied nor the parent of the same is helpless.

Bully-free zone

You would think, with all of the people that are different from the norm, that being different would become the norm. Why then, in this era of enlightenment, are those who are unusual or dissimilar still singled out to be bullied or put-down?

Annie isn’t one of the cool kids, and she never was. Even today at 19 she doesn’t carry around cool toys or gadgets. She has a cellphone that she carries in her favorite purple purse, which I would love to empty and toss into the trash. She drives her mother's gray sedan and listens to country music on the radio.

She is the very definition of different.

“Being different has its charms, but attracting bullies is not one of them,” she said. “Some people think that we are not able to fight back or stand up for ourselves, like the chickens.”

Bullies in the backyard and beyond

The chicken reference hits home with me. Just yesterday, thinking I had the family chicken coop secure, I found all but two missing. And as tired as Annie and I are of our chickens getting abused, I am waaay more upset with my daughter having been punked on.

I wouldn't have been popular if I had won the lottery and passed out bills at lunch. But it would have been nice to not have to worry about my locker being trashed or being tormented on the bus ride home.

–Annie

"Popularity was never a question for me. I wouldn’t have been popular if I had won the lottery and passed out bills at lunch," Annie said. "But it would have been nice to not have to worry about my locker being trashed or being tormented on the bus ride home. I didn’t expect that I would have to be wary of what halls I walked down, or being alone in the locker room. I just wanted them to leave me alone.

“I was fat,” Annie continued. “There was not a place for fat people in junior high, literally."

As her dad, I tried to prepare her for public life, but how do you warn someone that the things that make her unique will also attract people who choose to be mean — like a raccoon to a chicken coop?

After we heard about Annie being harassed, my wife and I went to the administration. They promised us that there was a zero tolerance policy at the school, and we were thrilled. However, they later claimed to have received pressure from the parents of these girls and the harassing and hazing continued without any consequence that we saw.

Annie's locker was vandalized, her homework was destroyed, vulgarities were scribbled on her locker. (Just a note from a disgruntled parent: These girls can’t spell “apologize,” but they can spell …,) I'll just say that their behavior and their excuses weren't congruent, and the bullying went on and on.

Annie was pulled out of junior high school in seventh grade, and we transferred her to another school. Eventually she ended up at a private academy where she could study in peace, and even go to a dance or two — one with her dad.

Pulling her out of school was the right thing to do, hard as it was. We didn’t want Annie to feel like she had been defeated. However, cutting losses is sometimes part of a good plan. Every decision we made as parents we talked out with Annie. It was important that she trusted us.

It was also important that we educated ourselves on bullies and bullying — using our personal experience and new knowledge to give Annie a better life.

Ex-teacher guilty of telling students to hit bully

SAN ANTONIO (AP) — A former San Antonio teacher accused of directing students to hit a schoolmate for being a bully has been convicted of official oppression.

Cynthia Ambrose, 44, was accused of telling her students at Salinas Elementary School to line up and hit a 6-year-old boy so he knows "how it feels to be bullied." She faces up to a year in jail after jurors convicted her Thursday, the San Antonio Express-News reported (http://bit.ly/1aA3luO).

The May 2012 incident occurred when the boy was brought toAmbrose by his teacher, Barbara Ramirez, after he hit another student. The boy, now 7, told the jury this week he remembers getting hit by students and later telling his brothers, but they didn't believe him.

"It started out as a pat," Ramirez said. "Then she told the class, 'Come on, hit him harder.'"

Ramirez was granted immunity in exchange for her testimony. She said she reported the incident to the school principal two weeks later.

"I've never heard of anything like this in my 30 years," Salinas Elementary School Principal Jeffrey Large said. "I've heard of teachers using excessive force, but never putting students against other students."

Prosecutor Patrick Ballantyne said in court Thursday that the incident was "so far outside the bounds of classroom discipline to where it becomes criminal."

Ambrose's lawyer, James Scott Sullivan, questioned Ramirez's statements during closing arguments, saying her testimony was dubious.

Ambrose is scheduled to be sentenced July 29.

Sullivan said he will pursue probation for Ambrose, who said she was already "convicted" by the media when the episode first came to light.

A Look At Bullying

WASHINGTON, June 20, 2013 — Children being bullied in schools and social circles are an international source of concern with broad, short and long term consequences. Researchers at Duke Medicine published in the Journal of the American Medical Association the results of a 20 year study that victims of bullying suffer from anxiety disorders, depression and suicidal thoughts well into adulthood.

The popular perception that while bullying is hurtful, children will outgrow the fleeting moments of the experience. Nothing can be farther from the truth.

Being the victim of bullying is demeaning, embarrassing and fosters a feeling of helplessness. The victim is terrified and if repeated, which it often is, feels a loss of safety, self-control and perpetual fear that pervades their emotional well-being for years.

Bullies often come from broken homes, overbearing parents and generally, an unhealthy home environment. Bullies seem to not suffer from the disorders of their victims but studies show they may be well on their way to Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD), which is a serious, difficult to treat disorder that wreaks havoc on those with which they associate. They lack compassion, empathy and scruples and often become criminal.

Bullies seem resilient to the vicissitudes of life in terms of what is known as locus of control, the amount of control one has in their personal environment, and not susceptible to depression, anxiety or fear. This may be due to developing ASPD or a related disorder.

However, their victims may suffer more severe disorders of bullying that can lead to agoraphobia, fear of leaving the home, and have ten times more thoughts of suicide and related actions. The victims are 15 times more likely to suffer from a panic disorder and may suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Some schools across the country have initiated a no tolerance policy, where if one is bullied and they retaliate, both participants receive the same consequences. Many feel this policy is not only unjust, but sends the wrong signals.

If one is under threat of consequence when defending themselves, this serves to teach a child to remain helpless, to not defend their sense of safety and fosters an atmosphere of additional fear of not only being bullied, but being punished for a natural, primitive limbic system response of self-defense. To ask a child to deliberately remain helpless, overcome a primitive response so early in life or go to the school authorities can bring on a host of other problems in a child’s emotional well-being.

Additionally, the bully can see the dual consequence approach as an opportunity to ratchet up poor behaviors by the additional taunting of the victim into fear of consequence. Bullies do not fear such consequences in the same manner as the victims.

Unchecked bully behavior extends into adulthood. Child bullies often become abusive adults not only to their children but their spouses and co-workers.

There is a substantial difference between a schoolyard disagreement that turns to some fighting and outright bullying. Those who bully should suffer immediate, severe consequences to abate this behavior early on. To punish a child for self-defense is, in many eyes, a poor tactic.

Authors note: The author’s child was raised to defend himself from anyone attacking him regardless of policy. His son passed this permission on to his straight “A” and sports involved children who were bullied only once. When they acted in self- defense, the bully immediately discontinued his approach to them.

The one 12 year old grandchild was suspended for three days of school, as was the bully, for defending himself. The school was told the personal policy established by the parents will not be overridden by a senseless social policy of helpless retreat.

Paul Mountoy is a Virginia based writer and a member of the American Psychological Association and the Association for Psychological Science.

Do You Have A Bully In The Workplace?

Although not a new phenomenon, workplace harassment, including acts of bullying, discrimination and sexual harassment, has been identified as one of the most rapidly increasing workplace problems throughout the world. Recent statistics report that in the United States, up to 4 million employees are likely to experience some form of workplace harassment per year, while the United Kingdom has recently passed anti-bullying legislation. Yet, despite its prevalence, workplace harassment and bullying specifically continues to be misunderstood and receives limited attention from employers and subsequently, incidences remain underreported.

Workplace bullying has been identified as a significant workplace problem which is not isolated to a specific occupation or profession. Given the considerable role the workplace plays in a person's life, it is essential for employers and organisations to be aware of this growing problem and to understand its impact not only on the wellbeing of individual employees, but also on the reputation and productivity of the organisation as a whole. Opportunities for conflict and aggressive behaviour are reportedly greater in organisations exposed to external and internal pressures where bullying has become a normal part of workplace interactions and raising a grievance may actually result in further victimization.

SYMPTOMS

Workplace bullying occurs without apparent provocation, when individuals are regularly abused or intimidated by another co-worker/s over a period of time, hampering performance and making work life difficult. Destructive communication is used to demean and humiliate and may include:

• yelling, cursing or swearing;
• blaming an individual for the mistakes of others;
• taking credit for the victim's work;
• ridiculing through unsubstantiated criticism;
• attacks on the victim's self-esteem;
• refusal to delegate work or removal of responsibilities; and
• unrealistic work demands.

Bullying has been defined as repeated attempts to torment or wear down a person provoking, intimidating and intentionally harming the victim. The staff appraisal system may also be abused to deny promotion or performance-related salary increments.

Many causes exist for workplace harassment but organizational factors may increase the risk of bullying. Strategies defined by "win-win" and "lose-lose," are regarded as a contributing factor that may create chaotic environments where consistency and reasoning are absent and characterized by patrimonial and totalitarian management styles rather than teamwork.

Organizational factors of workplace harassment include:

• work changes, introduction of information technology or mergers;
• organizational conditions, work pressures and high performance demands;
• role uncertainty or conflicts;
• cultures where bullying is regarded as normal; and
• autocratic management styles.

Departments with increased incidences of bullying had poor psychosocial work environments with significant work pressure and a poor social climate. These toxic work environments are conducive to bullying, affecting the well-being of victims and functioning of work teams. Poor or limited human resource management has also allowed workplace bullying to go unchallenged and discouraged employees from challenging managers believed to have bullied subordinates. Problems were blamed on the individuals rather than organisational practices. Victims were left to find individual solutions like approaching the media or changing jobs.

PERPETRATORS

In all the assignments reviewed to date the individuals identified as the perpetrators of workplace harassment were supervisors. Research suggests that some individuals are prone to bullying or discrimination and explanations of the contributory factors for workplace bullying have examined the personality characteristics of individuals who bully their victims. These studies identified that those who engage in workplace harassment and bullying can be impulsive, emotionally reactive and have a low tolerance for ambiguity. These individuals were also seen to have little personal self-esteem resulting in the constant need to inflate their self-esteem at the expense of others.

NEGATIVE IMPACTS

Workplace harassment and bullying behaviours may have serious consequences for the victims, affecting their psychological and physical health, or both. Some victims have experienced various types of abusive and harming behaviours simultaneously and constant harassment has resulted in severe psychological and emotional distress. Some victims reported that they continue to regularly think about their experience, years after leaving the organisation and appeared to remain traumatised.

Victims have reported varying degrees of extreme anxiety, depression, despair, aggressive feelings, sleeplessness, inability to focus, dejection and a fear of social situations.  Some of the more common feelings identified by victims interviewed included:

• extreme fear;
• anger;
• low self-confidence and humiliation;
• restlessness; and
• severe stress.

Many had experienced physically manifested symptoms of stress such as insomnia, headaches, stomach aches, constant crying and the inability to relax.

When considering their options, victims contemplate strategies to cope with harassment. Many decide to leave their current position while others experience burnout because of the harassment. Importantly, this behaviour not only affects the mental health of the victim but in many cases has also affected their team members, co-workers and the organisation professionally.

LEGALLY SPEAKING

Ultimately, workplace harassment is a violation of fundamental human rights that often leaves victims physically, psychologically, and professionally scarred. A lack of knowledge about this issue is therefore likely to deprive victims of appropriate diagnosis and treatment.

Section 6(3) of the Employment Equity Act 55 of 1998 (the "EEA") recognises "harassment" as a form of unfair discrimination and prohibits this behaviour on the grounds of race, colour, sexual orientation, etc.  Once an employer is notified of such an act, it is required to consult with all relevant parties and to take the necessary steps to eliminate the alleged conduct.  Where an employer fails to take the necessary steps to (1) eliminate the alleged conduct and (2) comply with the provisions of the EEA, the employer will be deemed to have also contravened the provisions of the EEA.  Where the provisions of section 60 are contravened, an employee may be entitled to compensation and/or damages.

In light of an employer's duty of fair dealing towards its employees which the Supreme Court of Appeal (the "SCA") recognised in Murray v Minister of Defence¹  preventive or reactive measures implemented by employers should not be confined to instances of sexual harassment or harassment but should include instances of victimisation, bullying, abuse and other forms of intolerable employee behaviour.

Employers remain exposed to claims of a delictual nature where incidents of bullying or harassment have not been reasonably addressed.  One such example is in Media 24 Ltd & another v Grobler² where the SCA held that an employer owed a legal duty to its employees to create and maintain a safe working environment and to take reasonable care for its employees' safety. This duty of care was not limited to the protection from physical harm, but includes a duty to protect employees from psychological harm. In this instance the SCA upheld the High Court order holding the employer vicariously liable for the unlawful acts perpetrated by its employee which resulted in an award for damages in excess of R700 000 in favour of an employee who had been sexually harassed by a manager over a period of five months. Employers may therefore be held liable for its managerial staff's failure to address a complaint raised by an employee regarding alleged harassment; even where an employee declines to file a formal grievance against a colleague, but where the employer ought to have known that the complaint was justified.

Where no adequate statutory or common-law remedy is present, our Labour Court has recognised an employee's recourse against the employer by way of a claim for "constitutional damages".  In Piliso v Old Mutual Life Assurance Co (SA) Ltd & others³, an employee's alternative claim for constitutional damages was upheld with an order of R45 000 where it was alleged the employer failed or neglected to ensure a safe and secure work environment, to investigate all the issues surrounding the claim of harassment properly and to provide assistance in the form of counselling. 

The court found that the employer was obliged to take all reasonable steps to eliminate or reduce the possibility of the incident re-occurring and that the legal convictions of the community reasonably require and expect the employer to investigate the identity of the alleged perpetrator, and to take immediate steps to provide the employee with support to minimise the possibility of psychological trauma.  Where an employer failed to meet these standards and where an employee could not obtain relief through statutory or common-law remedies, an employee could approach the Labour Court for relief in the form of constitutional damages where his or her constitutional right to fair labour practices is found to have been violated.

Where an employee is able to prove that the work situation had become so intolerable that there was no alternative other than to resign, and the employer failed to address the complaint regarding harassment or bullying, the employee may allege constructive dismissal, which could expose an employer to an award of compensation of up to 12 months remuneration if the claim succeeds.  Where the employee is able to show that discrimination in the form of harassment was the catalyst for resignation, the dismissal could be deemed an automatically unfair dismissal, potentially exposing the employer to liability in the form of compensation of up to 24 months' remuneration.

Due to the severe personal and organizational effects workplace harassment and bullying may have, organisations need to recognise these symptoms and need to be prepared to take appropriate action to prevent or mitigate the devastating impact which may in all likelihood detract from the development and maintenance of a productive workplace.

ADDRESSING THE RISKS

There is an urgent need for organisations to be aware of, understand and prevent this growing problem and its effects through comprehensive grievance and disciplinary procedures. These should be supported by effective and independent Human Resource and support structures coupled with clearly defined policies and procedures.

Pursuant to the provisions of the EEA, the Code of Good Practice on the Handling of Sexual Harassment Cases contains a recommendation on the procedure to be followed by an employer to address complaints of sexual harassment in the workplace.  While employers cannot be penalised for failing to implement its recommendations (the Code is not binding in law and merely instructive)⁴  employers would be well advised to consider adopting the recommendations or establishing a workplace specific harassment grievance procedure given the liability which may be inferred upon them by virtue of section 60 of the EEA. 

Helping victims deal with the consequences of workplace harassment is a challenging process and may include therapeutic intervention that can facilitate the healing process. Organisations have a responsibility not only to the victim but also to the individual portraying the disruptive and irregular behaviour.

Leadership can both mitigate and allow bullying to occur as a result of leadership styles with varying levels of reliance on the inter-personal capabilities of the leader. These capabilities have the potential to influence both the workplace culture and workplace bullying.

To reduce the incidence of bullying, researchers have suggested implementing programmes that promote an emotional intelligence leadership capability. These aim to develop leaders who are empathetic and supportive of the needs of their teams while also effectively managing their own emotions and are therefore able to develop effective relationships with others.

CONCLUSION

Given the devastating impacts workplace harassment and bullying can have on an organisation and its employees, it is critical that the symptoms be addressed as and when they begin to manifest. Through its Employment and Forensic departments, Edward Nathan Sonnenbergs has successfully conducted a number of assignments and reviews of allegations by employees relating to workplace harassment and assisted numerous organisations to address, improve, restore and maintain a cordial working environment.

We understand that each situation presents a unique set of facts. Our legal and forensic experts are able to apply a thorough and comprehensive approach to an emotionally charged, challenging and increasingly significant problem faced by many organisations. Forensic Assessments of the situation are provided to objectively determine whether or not the allegations are true and can be substantiated by a poor working environment encouraging cases of harassment. An investigative and evidence-based approach is often applied to obtain additional information that may be indicative of a hostile or abusive working environment. We then present our findings and recommendations in a proven and factual account of events devoid of any emotional contradictions, denials and explanations.

We will eliminate those factors that contribute to and result in a chaotic working environment, identifying practices and opportunities that could potentially create or enhance the abuse of power and harassment of employees.

Public health approach to bullying and suicide prevention urged

Bullying is a public health problem that can be prevented to improve the health of young people, researchers say.

In today's online supplement to the Journal of Adolescent Health, experts from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reviewed studies on the links between bullying, depression and suicide in youth.

Between 20 and 56 per cent of young people are involved in bullying annually, as either a victim or perpetrator, or both, the review estimated.

"It is not inevitable that bullying results in suicide; nor is it inevitable that bullying will occur in the first place," editor Marci Feldman Hertz of the CDC concluded.

They suggested that teachers, school administrators and health experts "consider broadening their focus beyond just providing services to those who are already involved in bullying or suicide-related behaviours, but also in implementing strategies to preventing bullying and suicidal behaviours from occurring in the first place."

Last month, mental health experts writing in the Canadian Medical Association Journal about student suicide called for school-wide interventions rather than focusing on the close friends of the suicide victim.

The journal's editors said three key themes emerged from the international research:

• Bullying among youth is a significant public health problem.
• There is a strong association between bullying and suicide-related behaviours, but that other factors such as depression and delinquency are also connected.
• Public health strategies can be applied to prevent both bullying and suicide.

Strengthening social connectedness such as supportive home and school environments, boosting individual coping skills and ensuring access to caring adults may pay dividends in both bullying and suicide, they said.

They noted poor mental and physical health among victims and perpetrators of bullying and those who experience both.

Studies suggest that bullying can have long-lasting, harmful effects, such as depression, anxiety, abdominal pain and tension months or even years later.

Lesbian and gay youth are more commonly victims, with 60 per cent reporting victimization during the past 30 days in one survey compared with 28.8 per cent of heterosexual youth.

In one study, people who witnessed bullying but were not directly involved were more likely to report systems such as hurt feelings, inferiority and helplessness.

As for the question of whether youth who are bullied become depressed or if depressed youth are more likely to be bullied, a Dutch study suggested the answer may be both.

Victims of bullying were much more likely to develop new psychosomatic and psychosocial problems over a school year compared with children who were not bullied, but those with pre-existing depressive symptoms or anxiety were also more likely to be victimized for the first time.

Sibling fights compared to school bullying

Parents should take fights between siblings as seriously as they do schoolyard bullying because even fights over toys and name calling are associated with psychological damage, researchers say.

The study in Monday's issue of the journal Pediatrics was unique in its size and range, with a national sample of 3,599 children aged one month to 17 years in the U.S.

About 32 per cent of children and teens said they had experienced sibling victimization in the past year.

The researchers surveyed children and caregivers of kids under age 10 about three types of sibling aggression:

• Physical assault — hitting or kicking with or without a weapon or injury.
• Property victimization — stealing something or breaking a sibling’s belongings on purpose.
• Psychological aggression — saying things to make a brother or sister feel bad, scared or not wanted around.

"Taken together, our study shows that sibling aggression is not benign for children and adolescents, regardless of how severe or frequent. An implication of our work is that parents, pediatricians, and the public should treat sibling aggression as potentially harmful and something not to be dismissed as normal, minor, or even beneficial," Corinna Jenkins Tucker, a professor of family studies at the University of New Hampshire, and her co-authors concluded. 

Tucker said parents and caregivers often dismiss aggression between siblings as normal or harmless, or even as good training for dealing with conflict in other relationships, but the mental health effects can be as serious as peer bullying.

The researchers suggested that efforts to prevent and stop peer victimization and bullying should expand to include sibling aggression.

Pediatricians could spread the word during office visits, and parent education programs could emphasize sibling aggression and how to mediate sibling conflicts, the study’s authors said.

They acknowledged that the data for younger children may have been incomplete because caregivers may not have a full picture of sibling aggression.

Fearlessly Defeating the Cyber Bully

In the old days, kids were made fun of on the playground, maybe pushed around, and there would be 10-30 kids there to witness it. Cyberspace is the 2013 version of the playground and with it comes potential for great danger, as its reach is massively unlimited. Its relative anonymity makes it a powerful tool for intimidation and limits the possibility of getting caught. It's also easier to be mean when there isn't face-to-face contact. This cowardly act of cyberbullying can lead to the spread of vicious rumors, lies, threats, harassment, stalking and embarrassment, and it strikes at the heart of what is critically important to most young people: social acceptance.

Here's what parents can do to safeguard their children:

• Know the signs of being bullied: feeling upset when online, withdrawal, not wanting to go to school, and depression.
• Educate them on what cyberbullying is so that they can recognize it. Provide examples of what is acceptable online behavior and what is not.
• Encourage kids to come to you if they feel they're being bullied.
• Keep the computer in a central location.
• Encourage kids to make friends offline, as bullies usually target those they see as isolated and leave kids alone who have a strong group of friends.
• Be careful about what personal information you post. Remember, whatever is out there is open to the masses.
• If there is an incident of bullying don't respond with hostility as bullies thrive on reactions and it will only escalate things. Document activities and collect evidence and if necessary report them to the authorities.

Finally, if you're a bully, or parent of one, ask yourself: What would you do if the person being bullied was your friend or child? How would you respond? Other than temporarily making you feel big and powerful, what is it you truly gain by bullying? What can you do to feel good NOT at the expense of others?

Bullying in children: when parents are the bully

Every once in a while, I hear a story about bullying in children in which a parent is the bully. This is one of those shocking and taboo ideas in parenting. No one likes discussing blatant bad parenting unless it’s physical abuse, sexual molestation and drug addiction. Every other type of child neglect gets an explanation and a disclaimer to stop judging another mom and stop assuming against a dad. If bullying in schools is harmful, isn’t bullying at home worse?

What is bullying?

According to the StopBullying.gov website, bullying is defined as “…unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.” Let’s dissect that for a minute and transfer school-aged children into a family dynamic. We find a real and perceived power imbalance in parent and child relationships, even healthy ones. Repeated behaviors at home in other topics lead to habits, and it seems reasonable to make the jump that this applies to bullying parents and their children. Threats, rumors, physical and verbal abuse, and emotional and mental manipulation are all actions at the disposal of a parent. Sadly, I believe we could all think of a parent bully off the top of our heads. We just don’t talk about it, because it makes us sound judgmental and meddlesome.

How to help a bullied child?

Help the parent first. Make them aware of your observations. Sometimes parents do not realize the harm they are causing for a variety of perceptual reasons and justifications. Provide support if a parent is overwhelmed with stress and professional commitments. Give the parent a chance to acknowledge their behavior.

Abuse and bullying – the same?

After researching some information on child abuse and bullying behaviors, there are many characteristics of emotional and mental abuse from a parent that are consistent with bullying by a parent. It may be hard to differentiate between a little “tough love” and aggressive parenting. In short, abuse and neglect are technically two different things, but both can be considered bullying by a parent. That’s my summary of the information.

Emotional maltreatment

Fortunately, in New Jersey, emotional maltreatment falls under child abuse and the New Jersey State’s Department of Children and Families pays some attention to non-physical and non-sexual types of abuse. If a child displays extremes in aggression or compliance, there may be something a little off with the parent and child relationship. This doesn’t mean the mom or dad is a bad person. This simply means the child may be reacting to overwhelming behavior by displaying physical habits, like sleep issues, oral fixations and social challenges to cope with mom and/or dad. Just like the big bully in the school yard may force a child to fake illness at recess in an effort to stay indoors, a child may take on survival instincts to cope with a parent’s behaviors, too. 

Anti-bullying rally remembers Amanda Todd

PORT COQUITLAM, B.C. – Dozens of people gathered in Port Coquitlam on Sunday for the first annual Bikes Against Bullies rally in honour of Amanda Todd.

Organizer Tneesa Tyerman says about 50 bikers took part in the event to raise awareness and funds for the Amanda Todd Legacy Fund, which pays for educational initiatives to stop bullying.

Tyerman says she hopes the event helps people realize that no one is ever alone, and there are resources out there to help.

She says many in the community still feel the sting of the 15-year-old’s suicide last year.

The young girl that rally organizers refer to as “Princess Snowflake” committed suicide after she was the victim of online sexual exploitation and bullying.

Todd became the tragic face of cyberbullying for a haunting video she posted online that described her ordeal. (News1130-The Canadian Press)

Criticizing wife over her weight gain is a form of bullying

Q: My weight fluctuates and it’s been up over the past 18 months. Recently, my husband said he doesn’t want to have sex with me, and asked what I plan to do about my weight, and when. He said the past year has been very tough and wonders how I could do this, knowing the negative effect it’d have on “us.”

I’ve repeatedly told him his comments make it worse. I feel more demoralized, hopeless, also angry and trapped, and may even sneak food.

I feel he’s always watching what I eat and judging me.

We were madly in love initially. He often worries (aloud) that I’ll end up like my alcoholic mother who rejects anyone who criticizes her drinking. She’s divorced and reclusive. He thinks I want to reject anyone who won’t let me eat what I want.

I just want to be in control of my own life and my own body.

I’m the breadwinner and do a lot of home maintenance and child management because he travels for work (a month at a time or more). It’s hard to make my food and exercise the priority.

I don’t want to break up our family over this, but feel I need to get away from him to get healthy and happy.

Tough Love Project

A: His criticism — hounding you and blaming your weight for the state of your relationship — is a form of bullying.

Since you carry great responsibility in this union, recognize your strength instead of letting him whip you emotionally. Insist that he back off. Tell him you’ll then be fully capable of managing your weight on your own.

Also, suggest marital counselling together about the power struggle that appears to be going on. If he feels his constant “weight watch” is the only way he’s in charge, there are other things you two should change.

Or you’ll have to consider leaving him — not in the way your mother’s marriage ended but because he’s driving you away.

Feedback: There was a gap in my advice on May 15 to a husband whose wife had an affair with a co-worker/subordinate. I present a reader’s reaction here, followed by more information I should have added originally.

From the reader: You appeared to support the husband’s demand that his wife dismiss this ex-lover. How would this play out before a human-rights tribunal or employment-equity commission when a manager dismisses a subordinate with whom she was involved romantically, to repair her marriage, when she’s identified him as someone that’d be hard to replace?

My response: I appreciate your view. I should have addressed it myself, by advising that the wife talk to her former lover, a subordinate, and suggest she help him get placed in an equal position elsewhere if he’d accept such a move.

If he wouldn’t accept another position, and instead might launch a wrongful dismissal lawsuit or a human rights tribunal complaint, I agree that she’d be judged in the wrong for dismissing him.

From the husband’s point of view, the wife had to end all contact with this man if he was to fully trust that the affair was over. If that would be the only way to salvage the marriage and the former lover wouldn’t make a move, she should quit her job and find new work. If it is her own business, she must operate at a distance from her ex-lover.

TIP OF THE DAY

Bullying a partner about weight often perpetuates an unhealthy dynamic between them.

Email ellie@thestar.ca . Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat . Follow @ellieadvice.

Textual Harassment -- Another Form of Bullying

In years past, people placed phone calls and sent emails to connect with one another. Today, text messages represent one of the most popular communication forums for cell phone users around the world. Text messaging may even surpass cell phones in ease of use, as cell phone users quickly and efficiently share information through texts in order to avoid lengthy conversations over the phone. Unfortunately, text messaging often means more than an opportunity to exchange information in real-time. Digital harassers may also use text messages to intimidate and persecute others. Often referred to as textual harassment, this form of digital offense involves repeated and unsolicited text messaging aimed at bullying, threatening or degrading victims.

The topic of textual harassment became increasingly relevant in recent months, as news broke of former Scranton school director Mark Kandel's digital harassment of several underage students by sending repeated sexually explicit texts. A 2011 study collaboration between Associated Press and MTV found that 33 percent of survey participants had received texts or online messages with sexual words. Likewise, 71 percent of respondents indicated that slurs were more likely to occur in text messages than in person.

Textual harassment is so expansive that its reach appears difficult to quantify. For example, sexual messages, unflattering video and photo texts and demeaning comments all contribute to incidents of textual harassment. Making the topic even more difficult to manage, offenders may avoid blame by accessing different phones and sending text messages to victims through computers.

Text messaging harassment also represents a common form of cyberbullying. According to research published by the Cyberbullying Research Center in 2010, cell phone usage and text messaging represent the most common technology uses for teens. In the study, which surveyed more than 4,000 U.S. teens, over 20 percent of respondents reported experiencing cyberbullying victimization at one point in their lives and almost 20 percent of students admitted to cyberbullying others. Even college students, who some may assume have outgrown the digital pressures felt by middle and high school students, experience cyberbullying. A University of Northern Iowa study found that 34 percent of UNI students included in the study had experienced cyberbullying and 64 percent had observed digital bullying behavior.

Textual harassment is yet another form of digital bullying, and one of the easiest to prevent. Our friends and partners at http://www.connectsafely.org provide some simple strategies to help reduce and/or prevent textual harassment; visit the site for a full list:

• Don't respond. If someone bullies you, remember that your reaction is usually exactly what the bully wants

• Don't retaliate. Getting back at the bully turns you into one and reinforces the bully's behavior. Help avoid a whole cycle of aggression

• Save the evidence. The only good news about digital bullying is that the harassing messages can usually be captured, saved, and shown to someone who can help. Save evidence even if it's minor stuff -- in case things escalate

• Block the bully. If the harassment's coming in the form of instant messages, texts, or profile comments, do yourself a favor: Use preferences or privacy tools to block the person.

• Reach out for help. You deserve backup. Of course you know there are different kinds of help, from talking with a friend to seeing if there's a trusted adult who can help. It's usually good to involve a parent but -- if you can't -- a school counselor can sometimes be helpful. If you're really nervous about saying something, see if there's a way to report the incident anonymously at school.

Paris Jackson, 15, felt effects of cyberbullying

“She makes out that she’s got it all under control but underneath she is hurting because of all these cyberbullies.”

Her tweet, “I wanna be a fishie,” accompanied by an image of her underwater provided one of many brutal examples.

“Die . . . lesbian,” responded one troll on Twitter.

Paris Jackson has visible marks on her arm and wrist as she salutes photographers while out for lunch with her mother Debbie Rowe on April 28, 2013.

Debbie Rowe, Paris Jackson's biological mother, leaves L.A. hospital after visiting her daughter following the suicide attempt.

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On May 29, a Twitter war with another user included such insults as “you’re such a bully. That’s why your dad is dead,” “ugly bitch” and “your dad touched little boys.”

Another seemingly innocuous tweet by Paris saying she would miss a group of fellow teenagers provoked this vicious response: “MJ is a sex offender lol.”

Some of Paris’ sympathizers online have even noticed the bile and urged her to ignore it. “Try not to take this cyber bullying seriously okay,” wrote one user.

But Paris’ anxiety wasn’t just exacerbated by the cyber realm.

A source said Jacko’s daughter also has felt increasingly isolated from her family.