SALT LAKE CITY — Annie doesn’t appear to be all that tough. Put her in a line-up with a wrestler, a politician and a tenor and she looks downright wussy. I would ask you to please treat her right, nevertheless. She is tired of being bullied. Actually she was tired of it the day it started when she was in sixth grade.
She doesn’t bring it up much. When I question her, she evades a little, changes the subject a bit, and then comes right out and says that she isn’t going to talk to me about it. I have to catch her when she is in the mood, and I don’t really know when the mood will hit.
She will, however, retell the story of the twins from down the street who liked to play bad cop/bad cop. She tells it well and adds a bit of humor and it appears to have a happy ending. But my blood still boils to think that my daughter had to deal with that kind of abuse from the cute little girls down the street.
Part of my boiling blood is because several years ago, when I first found out about what was going on, I didn’t feel that there was anything that I could do — with the exception of yelling at the twins' dad, who immediately flashed the “my-kids-would-never-do-that-and-tell-your-kid-to-grow-up” defense.
My years of experience with Annie has taught me that neither the bullied nor the parent of the same is helpless.
My years of experience with Annie has taught me that neither the bullied nor the parent of the same is helpless.
Bully-free zone
You would think, with all of the people that are different from the norm, that being different would become the norm. Why then, in this era of enlightenment, are those who are unusual or dissimilar still singled out to be bullied or put-down?
Annie isn’t one of the cool kids, and she never was. Even today at 19 she doesn’t carry around cool toys or gadgets. She has a cellphone that she carries in her favorite purple purse, which I would love to empty and toss into the trash. She drives her mother's gray sedan and listens to country music on the radio.
She is the very definition of different.
“Being different has its charms, but attracting bullies is not one of them,” she said. “Some people think that we are not able to fight back or stand up for ourselves, like the chickens.”
Bullies in the backyard and beyond
The chicken reference hits home with me. Just yesterday, thinking I had the family chicken coop secure, I found all but two missing. And as tired as Annie and I are of our chickens getting abused, I am waaay more upset with my daughter having been punked on.
I wouldn't have been popular if I had won the lottery and passed out bills at lunch. But it would have been nice to not have to worry about my locker being trashed or being tormented on the bus ride home.
–Annie
"Popularity was never a question for me. I wouldn’t have been popular if I had won the lottery and passed out bills at lunch," Annie said. "But it would have been nice to not have to worry about my locker being trashed or being tormented on the bus ride home. I didn’t expect that I would have to be wary of what halls I walked down, or being alone in the locker room. I just wanted them to leave me alone.
“I was fat,” Annie continued. “There was not a place for fat people in junior high, literally."
As her dad, I tried to prepare her for public life, but how do you warn someone that the things that make her unique will also attract people who choose to be mean — like a raccoon to a chicken coop?
After we heard about Annie being harassed, my wife and I went to the administration. They promised us that there was a zero tolerance policy at the school, and we were thrilled. However, they later claimed to have received pressure from the parents of these girls and the harassing and hazing continued without any consequence that we saw.
Annie's locker was vandalized, her homework was destroyed, vulgarities were scribbled on her locker. (Just a note from a disgruntled parent: These girls can’t spell “apologize,” but they can spell …,) I'll just say that their behavior and their excuses weren't congruent, and the bullying went on and on.
Annie was pulled out of junior high school in seventh grade, and we transferred her to another school. Eventually she ended up at a private academy where she could study in peace, and even go to a dance or two — one with her dad.
Pulling her out of school was the right thing to do, hard as it was. We didn’t want Annie to feel like she had been defeated. However, cutting losses is sometimes part of a good plan. Every decision we made as parents we talked out with Annie. It was important that she trusted us.
It was also important that we educated ourselves on bullies and bullying — using our personal experience and new knowledge to give Annie a better life.
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